Blog
First Christmas on your own?
My clients dread the perspective of Christmas without their partner, especially if their separation is recent. The advice I give them may help others.
The prospect of your first Christmas on your own can be daunting. It is all too tempting to reminisce about what was, or be saddened by the rosy pictures of Christmas on TV, where everyone else seems to be having a good time and is in a happy relationship. The first Christmas on your own is undeniably difficult. So, what can you do to make it a bit easier to bear?
1- First of all, plan in advance. Think about what the day will look like. There is nothing worse than being taken by surprise, have little cheer and see the whole day in terms of loss.
2- Be gentle on yourself and do not try to replicate former Christmas days. In time you will create your new traditions. Treat yourself to good food, delicious treats and plan to watch your favourite films and boxsets. I remember the delight of watching the six episodes of the BBC production of Pride and Prejudice (the one with Colin Firth) in one sitting, yes six hours of sheer bliss.
3- If it is just you and the children, endeavour to make Christmas completely different. Let the children choose the food they want to eat (nothing wrong with pizza, if it is decorated with a Christmas theme), pick a film each that you will all watch together, go for a long walk. The more children have a say, the better. Aim for a complete contrast to what used to happen in the past.
4- Do not fuss. Simplify the day, relax. Accept your sadness and sense of loss, as a normal part of your grieving process, but do not dwell on it. Smiling can make you feel more positive. You are not a victim. Be grateful for what you have. Count your blessings.
5- Do not feel that you have to join large family gatherings (covid restrictions are a convenient excuse not to attend just now). If you do, then remember that you do not owe explanations to anyone. Your private affairs are not for public consumption. Have a bland script ready like: 'it is a different Christmas for us this year' and that is enough. Keep to the script if people are probing.
6- Volunteer for a charity or find a group of people who are on their own too.
7- Your family may look different to what it was before, but it is still a family. Appreciate what you have. Do not dwell on what your partner may be doing now and with whom. Concentrate on you and your loved ones.
8- Watch what you drink. Alcohol is a depressant and you want to be in full form and being with your children and loved ones on the day.
9- If you are on your own, enjoy not having to compromise with anyone at all. Time for a candle lit scented soak in the bath.
10- This time of the year is a time for reflection, taking stock, hibernating. If you look at nature, the plants look dormant but work goes on under the surface, in the darkness. This work is essential for renewal. All will regrow in the spring. Welcome the shortest days of the year as a time for slowing down, resting and taking stock. You too will renew.
The day will soon pass and next year will be easier.
The mind that holds the problem, holds the solution
I recently attended a webinar exploring coaching, reflective practice and supervision, all of which is part of my day to day work which I love. This quote referred to by Danielle Barbereau, a divorce coach and author of After the Split, originally from Nancy Kline who pioneered the development of the Thinking Environment really got me thinking about mediation.
I believe in clients finding their own solutions. I believe that, despite the very real, often awful emotions which arise on divorce or separation, clients are capable of finding a way forward and ultimately contemplating the unthinkable. That is why I am so passionate about mediation. As a neutral mediator I provide a supportive, safe space to talk confidentially, to express your emotions, to feel and be heard and to want to find a solution so that you are not stuck in an unhealthy space.
I will not give you the answers or tell you what to do but I will give you the tools to find your own answers. I will also signpost where you may need additional support or assistance such as legal advice to help you understand the legal parameters within which you may find yourself or a counsellor or coach to help you unlock any emotions which may be holding you back.
Ultimately, if two committed people who once shared a bond together and continue to remain connected where there are children of the family, both share a desire to find a solution and to work through their difficulties to find a way forward without further emotional cost, it is possible.
This quote just highlights my continued belief in the process. Parents are the best people to find the right outcome or plan for their children. You know those beautifully unique children better than anyone. You are the best person to decide your own financial future. You know what your hopes, vision for the future might look like and what might work for your particular circumstances, whether that be work shift patterns or your support network for example. Our family circumstances are all unique and different. Reflecting on that and working to find your own bespoke solution leads to less long term stress and conflict and clear boundaries for the future which enables people to gently and at the right pace let go of pain and find a way forward. An outcome which is forced upon you or led by someone else, with the best intentions, who will not be living with that outcome and whose involvement will end at the end of a process, is not the best solution.
As always, mediation is not suitable for everyone and I will help you understand the process and the other options available to best help you find your own solution but I hope this is good food for thought for you if you are contemplating how to move forward right now.
Supervision: The ‘Repair Shop’ for Family Lawyers
My client, a senior associate, revealed that she was struggling at work. She described: lacking motivation, doubting her professional judgement, losing confidence, sleeping badly and not even enjoying her time off. Working in family law can bring many pressures which take their toll. As a result, some lawyers consider leaving the profession.
For this reason, I believe that the tailored support of coaching/ supervision can make all the difference. Many professional bodies require that their members be supervised, but surprisingly, not the legal profession known for its high exposure to stress and pressures.
Ed Heaton (Ed Heaton Coaching) said:
“Having been a family law solicitor for 17 years before re-training as a coach with a particular focus on career development in the legal sector, I have witnessed, and indeed experienced, first-hand the considerable stresses and strains under which family lawyers operate (…) Coaching, supervision should not be seen as a quick-fix or a luxury but rather as a sound and essential investment in a firm’s most important asset – its people.”
Some law firms request that I coach their staff. To that effect, I foster a safe space to think, unburden, pause and explore. Crucially, I ensure that clients feel fully and truly heard. Feeling supported and understood, having a safe platform for sharing both successes and failures, can alleviate the feelings of isolation, fear and doubt felt by many lawyers. Investing in coaching can be an effective way for firms to retain talent and certainly shows their commitment to staff wellbeing. Supervision is potentially beneficial to all levels in a firm, from young lawyers to newly appointed partners and senior associates.
Coaching addresses personal and interpersonal issues such as: dealing with a range of difficult situations and people; managing pressure; working and communicating well with clients and colleagues; work/life balance; confidence; wellness. In the case of my client, we examined the reasons for her loss of professional belief; put them in perspective; identified her triggers and explored coping strategies. Clearly coaching provides developmental support with structure and accountability. Supervision can also include ethical and legal dimensions.
‘I have found your coaching and professional support invaluable. You enable me to talk through issues without judgment’. ‘I look forward to our coaching sessions, they replenish me and remind me that I am actually competent’.
Coaching is supportive, confidential, non-judgmental and discreet. The International Coaching Federation (ICF) defines coaching as ‘partnering with clients in a thought provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximise their personal and professional potential’. Kim Morgan, CEO of Barefoot Coaching and provider of supervision for coaches, sees it as ‘the best and most tailored CPD you will ever get’. She describes supervision as ‘a platform for self-reflection, self-awareness, support and self-development’. Her view is that all professionals who are at the receiving end of constant outpouring of emotions, can benefit from such support, because the quality of their work and their state of mind have a direct impact on people.
This perspective is echoed by Chris Mills, Clinical & Organisational Supervisor:
“Supervision provides essential support for any professional practitioner dealing directly with human emotions. To be working constantly and at depth with the emotional states of other people has an impact on practitioners that they need to understand and be able to express to a third party in order to remain healthy and effective.”
Gillian Bishop (Solicitor, Arbitrator & Collaborative Lawyer) who introduced the FLiP’s diploma in family law supervision said:
“As we ease out of lockdown, we have the chance to look back at what we have learned over the last 12 months or so. I hope that one of the lessons is that, as family law practitioners, we have to look after ourselves first before we can look after others. My experience of one – to – one supervision has been invaluable. It is an opportunity to pause and reflect on my work and to talk about ways I can improve the way I practice for the benefit of my clients as well as myself. As I engage with clients, colleagues or other professionals I hear the wisdom of my supervisor ringing in my ears which steers my interactions to positive effect.”
Similarly, Nancy Kline, creator of ‘The Thinking Environment’ added:
“Supervision is an opportunity to bring someone back to their own mind, to show them how good they can be.”
This perspective, as well as the relationship of trust and sense of shared purpose between client and coach, is what motivates me. Indeed, I have witnessed profound shifts in consciousness, leading to change of mindset and as a consequence, experience of work.
How a divorce coach can support and add value to the work of family solicitors...
For 10 years now, I have been working exclusively with clients going through painful separations. My work is referred by family solicitors. Their feedback confirms my belief that my role supports and complements their legal work.
‘I want to help my clients and hugely empathise with what they are going through. However, my role is to give legal advice and guide clients through the legal process. A coach who can help clients deal with the emotional fall out, enables them to better focus on the practicalities, give clearer instructions and make better decisions. It’s a team-based approach all intended to help a client though what is a really difficult process’ (Rachel Roberts; Stowe Family Law)
I would describe the role of the Divorce Coach as:
(i)- Providing emotional support to clients so they can divorce well and recover as quickly as possible.
Initially, people are bewildered and find it difficult to make sense of what is happening. They have lost all their bearings, so they find it impossible to make decisions.
‘When I think of the clients I have referred for divorce coaching, the overwhelming theme is that they just cannot make sense of what has happened to them, and is still happening, whether they have instigated a separation or had one imposed on them. They often have no point of reference to know that they will get through that period of their lives in time and therefore feel that an unhealthy past is better than an uncertain future’ (Lyn Ayrton; Lake Legal)
I equip clients with coping mechanisms, especially when it comes to dealing with conflict. Importantly, I ensure that they gain some perspective on their relationship and I help normalise their situation:
‘You push their perceptions of the relationship so that they see it for what it really was. By doing so they learn that the relationship wasn’t healthy, they learn to find their own voice again, often learn to like themselves again and realise that being single again isn’t actually the end of their world’ (Lyn Ayrton)
(ii)- Helping clients clarify their thoughts and decide on a course of action
Clients are in a state of confusion. Yet, they need clarity to make difficult decisions. This is especially crucial for clients who are not sure whether to stay together or separate. It is such a huge decision, that they keep changing their mind.
Many clients instruct me when they have yet to decide finally if their marriage is at an end and they are struggling to make a final decision. (The coach) helps clients clarify their thoughts and decide on the best way forward. This is invaluable. It is a skill set that falls well outside of my own and those of other family lawyers (Michaela Heathcote; Taylor & Emmet)
A substantial purpose of my work is to help clients get clarity so they can give clear instructions to their solicitor.
Coaching
Coaching is both simple and powerful. It is not ‘one-size-fits-all’, nor is it about applying prescribed techniques. A skilled coach creates unique, close, trusting and supportive relationships with clients, asking incisive questions and not being afraid to challenge.
‘Your work is not just about listening and supporting. It is about asking the right questions which change everything. Our first session blew me over’. Client
To guarantee quality, please ensure that the coach can demonstrate a strong practice, credibility and integrity; that they are fully qualified, accredited, insured and members of a respected coaching professional body.
How coaching supports your work?
(By providing) ‘a metaphoric protective shield’; (by helping) ‘to process information calmly so that clients don’t have kneejerk reactions nor provide me with haphazard instructions which regularly change; by giving clients the confidence to hold out for what they need and are entitled to’ (Carol Jessop; Harrogate Family Law).
Working with a coach normally means a less drawn out and painful divorce process, which in turn will reduce clients’ legal fees because they are able to give clear instructions.
I am not trained to provide the emotional support they need and nor is it cost effective for them to use me for that purpose (Carol Jessop)
Michaela Evans goes further by seeing the coach as the missing part of the legal offering:
‘Looking back at the many years I had in practice prior to referring (to a Divorce Coach), I realise now that there was a significant gap in the service that I was offering to my clients. The coach fills that gap’.
I am in no doubt, based on my own extensive experience and feedback from clients and lawyers alike, that the involvement of a good divorce coach in the fraught process of divorce can be beneficial for all concerned. If you are not a convert, why not try it?
Dancing in the moment
Kim Morgan, CEO of Barefoot Coaching, interviewed me for her podcast ‘Dancing in the moment’ in June 2020
To listen to the 30 minute interview, please click here
Steadying yourself when you wobble during separation and divorce
If you are going through a painful separation, it is all too easy to feel that you have lost control of your life and that everyone else is calling the shots. This is especially the case during the pandemic. To make matters even worse, the fear of the future; the worry about the health and wellbeing of loved one; money and job worries; the excruciating pain of not seeing your children when they stay with the other parents; and worse, when the other parent does not comply with parenting orders; all contribute to make the breakup incredibly difficult.
Yet, I know that even in the worst times, we can find some relief.
First things first, you need to steady yourself. These are a few tips, which are the results of many hours spent working with people who are going through painful breakups. Some may hopefully resonate with you:
• As bad as things seem at the moment, these times will pass
• Accept where you are. Don’t dwell on what you can’t change. This will make moving forward easier
• You are going through life changing emotions; it’s OK to feel these emotions
• Recovery takes time. You cannot just bounce back; you need to go through a process
• Be kind to yourself
• At the end of each day, write ONE accomplishment from your day you are proud of
• Move, get some exercise and fresh air
• If you are starting to panic, breathe deeply and repeat 3 times: ‘I accept myself as I am and I can deal with this’. This is an affirmation which will help ground you
• Take some control back
Regaining some form control at this time is crucial, but it may seem impossible to do. Yet, I encourage you to seek small ways of regaining control. This can be achieved by making some changes in your life. Initially these changes may be small: eating foods your partner did not like, going to bed at a different time, watching DVDs they would have disliked. What is important here is to do things that you did not do when they were around. Do something new, however small a step that feels. As time goes on the changes will be bigger and more significant.
Take my client Josie for example: ‘After he left, one day I sat in ‘his’ armchair. Suddenly I saw our living room from a new angle. I was in charge. It felt good.’
This is a good example because not only is it a new step, albeit apparently small, sitting in ‘his’ chair, but is ‘daring’ because it challenges the former status quo. For Josie it felt like a victory. She began to realise at that point that she would survive and be OK.
Aim at making at least one change a day, every day and observe the sense of achievement you feel. Challenging yourself is good on several levels. It takes you out of your comfort zone; it also shows you that you are capable of achieving something by yourself, and it makes you feel independent and more in charge of your life. When your partner goes, your confidence is shattered. It is absolutely vital to work on rebuilding it. Challenging yourself is a way of rebuilding a fragile confidence.
Emerging and recovering from pain is a slow process. It doesn’t happen in a tidy straight line. We go through ups and downs, peaks and troughs. Pain and grief, just like love, are personal emotions and no-one reacts exactly in the same way.
All we can do is realise that we are grieving, that the process is running its course.
Remember: this too will pass and you will get better!
“My husband of 21 years announced that he NEEDS to bubble up with his lover. I did not know he had one”. This tweet caught my attention yesterday.
Part of me is not surprised because I hear this kind of story every day in the course of my work. Over the years, I have heard all kind of cowardly and bizarre ways in which people announce that they wish to leave their partner.
I am not entirely convinced that the man was really breaking his marriage. Maybe he thought that he could have a life in his ‘bubble’ but continue as normal? A mistress for fun and a family for companionship and stability.
Still this was a shocker.
The woman what almost apologetic for feeling downtrodden: “I am struggling working out how to get through the day”. Feeling guilty and inadequate are part of the emotions the innocent party feels during a breakup.
My immediate reactions:
• The situation is presented as a perfectly normal thing to do
• He makes it about him, his ‘needs’. What about her needs? The children’s needs?
• He completely ignores her feelings
• He expects her to carry on as normal, now that the situation is out in the open.
• As a consequence, she feels inadequate for not managing to go through the day
• He informs the (young) children. This is a way of making them side with him and also to isolate his wife
• He treats her like a commodity that can be disposed of.
• He is very casual about it; this minimises the guilt and belittles her feelings
• He completely ignores the joint history of a long marriage
This woman needs help. A divorce coach will help her:
• Unburden
• Make sense of what happened
• Learn to cope
• Regain control
• Work through difficult emotions
If you know this woman, please tell her that I would like to help her. And help her I can.